my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
