When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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