She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
