Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
