She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
