I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
