My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
