I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
