you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
