Moan for me like Helen Keller
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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