Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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