If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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