Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
