Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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