Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
