its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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