The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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