Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
