dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can I color on your dick again?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
