how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Congratulations! We have a period
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
