I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize