I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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