I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Drunk is a universal language darling
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
