my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
