Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize