remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
this hospital has no fireball
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
