I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
