Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
