I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
