haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
