I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize