Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
