I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
