dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
