I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
