did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
