I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
