Don't make out with my wife yet
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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