I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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