I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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