I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
