I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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