I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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