i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
