Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
