I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
