i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
