Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize