I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
