Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
