First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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