planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
