We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
