Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
