Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
