11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize