quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
