4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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