Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
