Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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